So I’m browsing the services section at zengxhoufortress.craigslist.org and dragonfangisland.craigslist.org to find me a couple of one-eyed Thai henchmen to help me put on my socks for the next few mornings since I injured my back, and I think I’ve found a couple of good candidates.

Somchai, which means “worthy man”, looks like he might fit in with my plans of dominating the international heroin smuggling trade (and helping me put on my socks and pants to start each day until I can do it myself again). He has a proper looking eye patch, most of his teeth, and a badass scar running from the left corner of his mouth up to where his eyepatch is.

His qualifications include:
Piracy on the high seas (21 years experience)

Master of the scimitar (19 kills, 42 wounds)

Expert Intimidation (54 confessions extracted)

Expert Driver (limousines/armored Hummers)

Bookmaking

Debt Collecting

I’m thinking this dude is going to be my captain. I’ve sent him an offer sheet, waiting on his reply.

Klahan (“brave”) is also a good candidate. He’s not as experienced as Somchai, and his profile didn’t include a picture, but he has a supplementary skill set that looks to be exactly what I am needing when I take over Xin Po’s smuggling routes that lead out of the South China Sea.

His resume:
Multilingual – six languages (Mandarin/English/Japanese/Arabic/Hebrew/Russian) and seventeen dialects. This will come in handy.

Knife-fighting champion 2008 and 2011 at the Kumite challenge hosted by the evil Dr. Wang in Guangdong province.

Black belt in multiple martial art fighting styles

World class coffee brewer (this might be the most important skill a henchman can have. If I don’t get a good cup of coffee to start my day, people tend to die when I normally would just chain them to a wall in a dungeon cell and torture them for a while)
Journeyman computer hacker – one never knows when one will need to hack through customs or the Coast Guard computer systems.

Sent him an offer sheet as well, hopefully he’s interested.

Big day ahead of me today. Plots need to get set in motion, communication lines need to be set up with my poppy mfg and distribution networks, and I still need someone to help me get my fucking socks on. No one will respect an evil mastermind if he shows up wearing flip-flops, or God forbid, Birkenstock sandals…